CLASSIFIED
STRATEGIC DEFENSE INNOVATION ACCELERATOR
[ OPERATION: VENTURE VAPORWARE ]
but we'll pretend it does to make you feel important
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Mission Brief: LIGMABLOX
Accelerating the military-industrial complex, one PowerPoint at a time.
Pentagon Funded*
*Funded by your tax dollars through 47 shell companies and a guy named Craig. 100% of budget goes to "miscellaneous expenses" (Craig's boat).
Combat-Ready Pitch Deck
Learn to weaponize buzzwords. Transform "cloud storage" into "Strategic Data Dominance Platform". Add "AI" to everything. Charge 10,000% markup.
Zero Accountability
Failed startup? Blame China. Budget overrun? Russia did it. Product doesn't work? That's a feature for "operational security".
Defense Contractor Starter Pack™
Mission Phases
Four stages of increasing psychological damage
PHASE ALPHA
OPERATION: TALENT ACQUISITION
PHASE BRAVO
OPERATION: VIRTUAL THEATER
PHASE CHARLIE
OPERATION: DUST BOWL
PHASE DELTA
OPERATION: FALSE PARADISE
PHASE ALPHA
OPERATION: TALENT ACQUISITION
CLEARANCE REQUIRED:
SECRET
Initial reconnaissance and target identification
Deploy LinkedIn scrapers. Identify founders with maximum delusion-to-funding ratio. Bonus points for using 'disrupt' unironically in bio.
CASUALTY RATE
25%
BUDGET OVERRUN
100%
ACTUAL VALUE
0%
⚠️ WARNING: Participation in PHASE ALPHA may result in permanent damage to your understanding of economics, logic, and the English language.
CURRENT OPERATION STATUS:
FUBAR
Qualification Matrix
Six levels of decreasing humanity
LEVEL 0: CIVILIAN
Pulse Detection
Must exhibit basic life signs. Consciousness optional. Previous startup failures considered a plus.
STATUS:
PASS
LEVEL 1: CONFIDENTIAL
Buzzword Proficiency Test
Demonstrate ability to use 'blockchain', 'AI', and 'quantum' in single sentence without laughing.
STATUS:
PASS
LEVEL 2: SECRET
PowerPoint Combat Rating
Minimum 50 WPM (Words Per Minute) in corporate jargon. Must survive 4-hour strategy session.
STATUS:
PENDING
LEVEL 3: TOP SECRET
Ethical Flexibility Assessment
Willingness to rebrand calculator app as 'AI-powered computational defense platform'.
STATUS:
CLASSIFIED
LEVEL 4: TS/SCI
Reality Distortion Field
Ability to convince generals that your todo app is critical to national security.
STATUS:
REDACTED
LEVEL 5: COSMIC
Complete Moral Bankruptcy
[DATA EXPUNGED] Previous work with [REDACTED] preferred. Soul optional.
STATUS:
ERROR
Pre-Deployment Checklist
MANDATORY EQUIPMENT
DISQUALIFYING FACTORS
SECURITY NOTICE
This facility is monitored by AI that was trained on Reddit comments. Your psychological profile has already been sold to 47 data brokers.
YOUR COUNTRY* NEEDSYOU
*Country may not actually need you
Join the ranks of elite founders turning garage startups into WEAPONS-GRADE VAPORWARE
"I traded my successful tech career for a life of PowerPoint presentations and acronyms. Now I charge the Pentagon $50,000 for a WordPress site!"
- Former Human, Current Defense Contractor
$0
ACTUAL VALUE CREATED
∞
TAXPAYER DOLLARS WASTED
666
SOULS HARVESTED
1776
FREEDOM UNITS
In Partnership With
WARNING: Participation in LIGMABLOX may result in: loss of technical skills, addiction to government contracts, chronic acronym usage, PowerPoint dependency, moral flexibility syndrome, and an inexplicable urge to add "cyber" to everything. Side effects include speaking exclusively in buzzwords and forgetting what actual software development looks like. If you experience clarity of thought or ethical concerns lasting more than 4 hours, please contact your handler immediately.